Poling kids, 2010
I'd like to talk to some of you older kids about friends. I remember when we first started Lifestyle of Learning™, we were gradually pulling out of many outside-of-the-home activities as we began to focus on repairing our family relationships. I was willing to pull out of the activities like band and choir, and serving in Children’s Church, and I felt in my conscience, along with my parents, that this was the right thing to do. The one thing that I was really worried about was, “What about my friends?”
While my family did this voluntarily in my teen years, many of you have been suddenly removed from all social activities and are new to homeschooling due to COVID-19 and the shutdown of nearly all schools in the US. While the circumstances are a bit different, I bet you are in a similar place of wondering about what's going to happen with your social life with your friends moving forward.
There were a couple of times when I felt distressed about it, because I had one friend in particular who was very dear to me. We participated in these outside activities together, and I could see that when my family pulled more toward home, I wasn’t going to be able to see her nearly as often as I wanted. Part of me was afraid that I was going to become very lonely and bored without the company of my friends to look forward to.
Before we address this thought, I’d like to talk about how God intends for us to relate with people outside of our family.
Phillip and Rachel after a concert in 2011
- We need to be interested in their interests even when it is something we don’t really like or don’t know anything about.
- We need to think about what the other person might want, and put their wishes ahead of our own.
- We need to overlook the other person’s faults and quirks.
- We shouldn’t talk only about our own life and our own interests all the time, but take the time to get to know the other person even if the other person does not take the time to get to know us.
- We shouldn’t let differences in age or gender get in the way of relating rightly or allow age or gender to change our behavior toward them. This means we can easily relate rightly with others, even if they are much younger than we are, or they’re a boy when we’re a girl or the other way around.
Phillip and Annie in 2010
Most of us choose our friends by finding people who are very similar to us. They have the same interests that we have, and they like us. We try to find people that we can have fun with – they entertain us. We choose our friends by how good they make us feel when we’re with them, and then, when we’re with them, we act in a way that we think they’ll like. We want them to continue liking us, so we don’t do anything overtly rude or unkind to them.
This is a totally selfish way to relate to people. It is all about us, and the way we want other people to see us, and how we feel when we are with them. We end up making ourselves out to be a certain way when we’re with them, and then we’re different toward our brothers and sisters at home. We end up preferring our friends over our family because they believe we are the person we pretend to be when we’re with them.
But….our brothers and sisters know how we really are! We can’t pretend with them. They know if we’re selfish, or rude, or bossy, or critical, or if we like to isolate ourselves inside our room, they know if we’re possessive of our stuff, or if we argue or if we’re demanding or pouty or put our own preferences above theirs. They know. They won’t be fooled by the niceness we put on for our friends.
God’s way is for us to be truly best friends with our brothers and sisters, but that means we have to relate rightly with them for real, ’cause we can’t fool them. We need to learn to be truly loving by cooperating with the Lord through our conscience about the way we treat them.
Josiah and Rachel, 2011
Annie and Lizzy 2010
We need to become interested in what they’re interested in, even if we’re not interested in it. We need to think about what would bless them, and put their wishes above our own. We need to take the time to get to know them and what and how they think, even if they don’t get to know us, and we shouldn’t let the age or gender of our siblings make any difference in how lovingly we treat them. We can grow close to our little brother who is still young just as well as with our next older sister. We can, and should, pursue a close relationship with our brothers and sisters on purpose.
God has given most of us friends who can be around us all the time in our own house: our siblings! Our culture tends to think that it’s normal for brothers and sisters to bicker, fight, hate each other, ignore each other, or just barely tolerate each other. This idea did not come from God. Our culture teaches us that without our “friends” we will suffer from loneliness. This idea didn’t come from God either.
When you cooperate with the Lord by loving your precious siblings, your family becomes the training ground for you to learn how to become a truly loving person toward others outside your family. Then you won’t need to search for “friends” for yourself, i.e. people to use in order to make you feel good. Instead, you’ll be free to be the blessing to others that God made you to be. You’ll be free to be an example to others of what right relating looks like.
Rachel and Lizzy, 2010
So, I encourage you, instead of being fearful of being lonely, instead of having a pity party about not seeing your “friends” as often as you would like, begin to invest in your relationships with your brothers and sisters. Begin to be interested in what they are interested in, ask them questions, spend time with them, be loving. Soon they will be your best friends.
Still best friends in 2019, with more best friends added in as spouses! L-R Micah, Annie, Baby Maddie, Tim, Barbie, Josiah, Lizzy, Max, Rachel, Baby Emily, Phillip, and Morgan
